I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
