I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
