i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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