you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
