Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
