I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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