My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
