So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
