I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
