In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Life is so much better after having sex.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
