god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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