dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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