i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Come see our sink grown plant.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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