I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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