I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
