I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
