i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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