Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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