White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
