Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
