fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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