Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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