Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
