1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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