i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
