Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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