the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
This is the high leading the old right now
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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