So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
