Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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