I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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