I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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