ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."