Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
