i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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