i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
