she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
