Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
