I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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