My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
