i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
