3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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