The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
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His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
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My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?