I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.