now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.