White coat. Heels.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.