To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
