Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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