drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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