honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
