Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
