I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
