I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
