even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
