he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
