Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
