Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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