My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
