I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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