Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
