I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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