is your mom at the bar?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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