I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
